Journal Entry: Unpacking a Life in Boxes

As I pack all these boxes, I am having a bit of an UNpacking- of how much emotion, fear and hope is tied up in moving and how these big shifts in locations cause big shifts in our heads and hearts.

I didn’t really want to move. I love our space in Williamsburg. I will most certainly tear up when we drive away – if not several times along the way while finishing packing.

I will be sad not to see the place where we got married up the street every day. But a marriage is a partnership, and Mr. Hicks had hit a wall with the commute. The amount of time it takes to get across Manhattan from our house in PA is astronomical. And of all the resources we have in life, TIME is one of the most precious. There are a lot of things you can make up for- but you can’t make up time. And we are done with wasting it sitting in traffic. 

This whole exercise has made me more aware of the little ways in which time gets wasted and lost. And conversely, how some things that seem like a waste of time are actually not. It’s about being mindful of how time is used. Granted a lot of time truly was wasted in this process… jumping through hoops and writing ‘time sensitive’ emails to get character witness letters for the cats, receiving promises of leases, then bidding on leases, being told to pack…and then looking at possible storage units instead of balcony furniture. We were on the brink of signing 5 times. 

This has been a tremendous emotional stress. And while I found myself grinding my teeth and clenching my fists in my sleep, I had to reckon with my self-talk, particularly in regard to gratitude. In my life, I’ve had apartment moves that were scary, urgent emergencies. This move is about respecting my partner and reducing stress. This move is about nurturing our relationship. And this move is about gratitude. 

I realize how fortunate I am that we have choices. We could choose to move everything to storage- or to the basement of the PA house. And that even though there was a deadline, we could have handled whatever we needed to handle.

I realize I am so damn fortunate to be able to have this challenge before me. I am grateful for the fact that I get to do this challenge (re-write: I get to go on this adventure) with my partner in life. And that we keep our hands firmly planted on each others back.

I come from a history of fearing the other shoe would drop.
I have lived with this little devil in the back of my head for as long as I can remember. 
I can pinpoint core memories and stories in my life that fostered this perspective.
My parents bought a house and had a baby. Then there was a flood.
They bought another house. My father lost his job.
I crashed my brand new bike the first time I raced it.
A great aunt had just purchased her wedding dress. Then got hit by a bus and died.

I could go on and on…
There appears to be a pattern here.
And in life, we look for patterns. It is one of our earliest forms of learning. Patterns tell a story about how the world works, helping us make sense of things. Patterns give us comfort in predictability, stability. But negative equation patterns undermine our sense of stability and instill dysfunctional belief systems - like always thinking ‘the other shoe is going to drop”.

More than a couple times I thought my future was set…and it all fell apart. The scars of these cuts still restrict my movement in some ways. How do we unlearn these patterns? How do we break down the adhesions that inhibit our freedom of movement? How do we clean off the clouded lens of fear and see things clearly? I’ve been practicing shifting perspectives by using my tools- “I am I can I will I do”  to create my own sense of stability regardless of what the world throws at me.

I AM incredibly grateful to have these challenges. 
I CAN handle whatever happens.
I WILL have a pretty awesome view (in so many ways)
I DO trust the process and my partner.