I had planned on a different introduction but based on current events, I am compelled to share this story instead.
Last night I attended a New Years Eve party. The invite read: Down home New Orleans Anti Black Tie Event.
As instructed, I dressed casually. Clogs and socks.
Upon arrival, it became abundantly clear that I was out of place. All the female patrons could either not follow directions, or willfully ignored them. All of the women were wearing incredibly tight, small, see through and sparkly items with very high heels.
Shockingly, I (finally) happen to be completely at ease with myself (mostly) and so was not troubled at all that my friend and I were as a couple of homeless people stumbling into Diana's wedding.
This was a fascinating anthropological observation. One couple in particular really struck me. A very small woman bound in a very bright elastic iridescent mermaid color dress with high heels and luxurious waves of hair was draping herself upon her date....a simply dressed, disinterested, young man. All the while she was looking over her shoulder at herself in the mirror, checking every detail....flat stomach, cleavage sitting properly, managing the arrangement of her hair while also practicing her glossy pout. With her arms clasped around him she still managed to spend most of her time observing herself, as narcissus gazing in the pool.
It is such a private moment with oneself- to gaze in the mirror and manipulate ones appearance.
I personally became distressed at this public display of her private relationship with herself. It was blatantly clear that her confidence and self worth is rooted in her ability to manage all the details about her appearance in order to gain his eye.
This could start to sound catty, if you missed my point.
If you have ever thought, I will be happy/attractive/vaulable/worthy/loveable after I lose the weight, then you are whom I am talking to.
If you have ever had that moment of inspiration...and hung onto it for an extended period of time and thought "THIS TIME" the change is for good, you know what I'm talking about. Eventually, usually by February if not sooner, the inspiration fizzles. The negotiations begin...."Ill get back on track....next week. There are 2 birthdays this week and I want to enjoy myself". (WHAT DOES ENJOY YOURSELF MEAN? Eating and drinking into oblivion? And then punishing yourself? FUN TIMES) Then several weeks pass and pretty soon you forget that you actually had a resolution in the first place. And when you remember, you are racked with guilt and disappointment. You have bad feelings that then cause self-sabotaging behaviors which can be worse than the behavior you wished to change in the first place. And then you give and you're back down the rabbit hole.
The only time in my life when I sustained a "LOSS" goal for over a year was during a crisis period of divorce. BINGO. It was a time that felt so emotionally out of control, that the ONLY thing that I felt I could control was what I put in my mouth, how many pounds I lifted and how many pounds I lost.
I weighed 150 and had 16% body fat.
My physical proud was empty pride. I was miserable and self-consumed. How could I be present for anyone else if I cared only about how many more crunches would flatten my abs? I had a jacked figure and a broken core.
There has to be more to life than an existence predicated on the size of our thighs.
The idea that we should all want thighs fit for skinny jeans, that our self-worth, ability to attract a mate and even our deservingness of happiness is at stake is a trap of a consumerist social structure built to keep us failing. There is something innately/ integrally/logically and viscerally wrong with setting a goal for loss.
We are never thin enough, young enough. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH!
What do you want? What do you really want? Let it be bigger than a smaller pair of pants. There must be a book you want to write, a change you want to make, a risk you want to take, a truth you're scared to death state, put THAT on your finish line.....I promise, your pants will fall into place.
I think that when we allow our inklings to shrivel by ignoring them, when we allow unresolved scenarios to nag us and fester....we are missing out on ourselves, living, if you will- beside ourselves...behind ourselves and this causes a great deal of inaccurate living.
When we stop wasting time running in circles chasing our tails down the rabbit hole in the mirror, when we stop trying to lose and shift our focus to gain moments that make us proud, we find our true size. It is in the weight of our words and the impact of our actions that the mass of our matter takes its true shape.
THIS is how we sustain inspiration.
Remember your most proud moment to date. Close your eyes. Recall.
Now stand up. You too, at home. Stand up. Arms raised. Strong fists. PROUD.
You've got to get that proud thing in your body.
5 good ideas that are bigger than a smaller pair of pants
Something you need to say someone
An activity you've had an inkling to do
You are obligated to obey your inklings. These are your instincts and they are screaming directions at you. Listen. This is why we close our eyes. So we can hear ourselves.
It is by following our instincts that we begin to truly live OUR unique life and find fruition of the self...you have no idea who you will touch or how you may touch them when you are living your truth.
5 good ideas
1. hang gliding
2. tell your mother........
3. put that phrase on a t shirt and sell it
4. stand up for an injustice
5. draw a boundary
Take one- the most prominent, pressing piece and lets have it inform how we build our new mantra to sustain the change we wish to make: